Terrified
by JenniferLaMontagne
Summary: "When I'm in a relationship, I don't know how to make someone feel needed. Because I don't feel like I need anyone." Why Maureen has such a hard time committing to anyone.


**I saw this question and answer on HONY on Facebook during the week and it really reminded me of Maureen, let me know what you guys think! Also, check out Humans of New York if you get a chance, it's amazing.**

* * *

_**"What's your biggest weakness?"**_

_"When I'm in a relationship, I don't know how to make someone feel needed. Because I don't feel like I need anyone."_

* * *

If she closed her eyes and tried really hard, she could remember. She could nearly feel the smooth, white tile under her bare feet. She could feel the wooden splinters from the dining chair's leg lodge themselves into the skin of her fingers. She could almost hear the sound of smashing china plates, causing a buzzing noise so fierce, that it seemed to drown out all the screaming.

Hunched under the dining room table, ten-year-old Maureen Johnson sat silently, her hands curled around the legs of the wooden chair that sat in front of her. She kept her legs crossed and held her breath. They hadn't seen her yet, perhaps they wouldn't at all.

She flinched slightly at the sound of another plate crashing against the painted wall, and a shriek from her mother, as it had missed her by half an inch.

The screaming always felt like it lasted hours, although, it usually did. It was always when her father came home late, always drunk. Maureen could tell by the way he put his briefcase down in the hallway how many units of alcohol he had consumed. Her mother could too, her normally attractive face screwing up, the color draining, leaving an ashy grey appearance. She'd whisper for Maureen to go to her room, but there wasn't always time before objects started flying.

Ducking under the table as her father passed, Maureen's nose began to tickle from the strong scent of perfume coming from his jacket. So he had been with _her_ again. She wasn't quite sure who 'she' was, but it was constantly the subject of argument in the Johnson household.

Maureen could even remember a couple of times when her mother had stood at the front door, suitcase in hand, waiting for her father to come home so she could tell him that if he couldn't get _her_ out of his life, then his family would leave him instead. And, every time, her mother's suitcase didn't last more than five seconds before being thrown into the hallway, various garments of clothing scattering the floor, hanging off the light fixtures and the bannisters of the staircase like seasonal decorations.

"You won't go," her father had always sneered, "You need me."

And, her mother had wept and apologized for being so stupid, and of course they wouldn't leave him, because how could they when they needed him so badly.

Maureen highly doubted how anyone could _need_ an alcoholic cheater, but in her head, she started to distinguish needing someone with them hurting you. And even as a child, she made the decision that when she was able to call the shots in her relationships, she would never allow herself to need anyone, why should she give everything she had to someone just so that they could have the power to potentially destroy her. Plus, she could get on just fine by herself.

* * *

"Maureen? Maureen?"

Her head snapped up and she blinked, realizing that she had been unresponsive for a while now.

"What?" she asked, taking a long sip from the beer she held in her right hand.

"What are you going to do?," Mark asked, his face furrowed in concern.

Maureen sighed and rolled her eyes, "Guess I'll call her again…"

Mark nodded, and stood up, leaving her alone in the living room of the loft. Tentatively, she picked up the phone, still clutching her beer in the other hand. She groaned slightly at the sound of the voicemail click in, and she wondered whether she was being screened and ignored, or that Joanne was out doing something else. _Someone else._ She felt sick as she swallowed, hearing the sharp beep.

"Baby, please, it's me again. Pick up the phone, or I'm going to have to explain it all to your voicemail. Earlier, at the Life Café, that wasn't anything, Pookie, the waitress…she was flirting with me, and oh- I don't know, I was just being nice…Okay…_Okay_…I know I've messed up…again…but please don't shut me out for much longer….Joanne? You are there, right? Because if you're out screwing someone else I swear to Go-…"

"I'm not you, Maureen…"

Joanne's voice came coldly down the line and Maureen let out a breath she didn't even know that she had been holding. "Oh baby, please list-.."

"I don't want to hear any more excuses! How many chances have I given you, Maureen? And you just throw them all back in my face. Do you really think that less of me?!"

"Of course not!" Maureen spluttered, leaning forward, pulling the phone closer to her ear, "I love you!"

Her declaration was met with a snort from the other end.

"I do! I only want to be with you!"

"Then what was last week?"

"Last wee-…you said you wouldn't bring that up again…"

"It isn't something you forget Maureen! You cheating on me with a waitress from the café that we go to regularly with our friends, and then doing the same thing a week later, after you _promised_…"

"I didn't cheat on you today!", Maureen exclaimed, placing the glass bottle on the floor, fearing it would break into tiny pieces if she squeezed it any harder.

Joanne had gone so silent that she had almost thought the woman had hung up.

"You said you were going to explain it all…"

"Huh?"

"When you were leaving your message, you said that you were going to explain it all…what did you mean?"

"It really would be better if I could see yo-.." "No. Explain it to me now"

Maureen sighed softly, pursing her lips as she thought about how she was going to explain it all, it was going to be hard, she barely understood it herself.

"My father…," she started, pausing to see if Joanne had any inclination to disrupt her, but she was met with silence, "…is an alcoholic, and he used to cheat on my mom a lot when I was younger, hell, he probably still does…", she sniffed, "..And he used to hurt her, not like, emotionally, but actually hurt her…throw stuff at her, and y'know she kept trying to leave him, to take me with her, but he wouldn't let her…he always said she needed him too much, and I just couldn't deal with it..," her eyes started to sting as tears began to form, threatening to spill down her cheeks, "…I've always thought that needing someone means that they have to right to hurt you, and I convinced myself that that meant I never needed anyone, I mean, who would _want _to need someone, if all they were going to get is pain…right?"

Joanne made a quiet noise in agreement, ushering Maureen to continue.

"And then I met you, and it wasn't supposed to be anything, just another fling to get my mind of feeling so alone being in that relationship with Mark, but then, _I met you_, Joanne, and you scare the hell out of me, because…because I'm terrified," she cried, her voice breaking, the tears streaming down her face, "…because I think I might need you Jo, and I don't know what to do! I thought that if I kept pushing you away then maybe you would leave, and I can deal with you leaving because I have done something stupid, but don't you see? I always come back to you. The flirting, I never mean to do any of it, it just is what always happens and the feeling in my stomach I get when I realize that you've caught me is just…," she sobbed, "I'm not going to cheat on you again, okay? I mean it, I really, really mean it…."

"Maureen…"

"I need you," Maureen whispered, her fingers cradling the phone to the side of her face. "I need you, I need you, I need you."

She began to cry then, but not the usual theatrical sobs of Maureen Johnson apologizing for cheating on a partner, it was real, raw sobs that seemed to shake her whole body. She heaved until no more tears streamed from her eyes, until her throat felt like it was on fire, and the stinging in her swollen eyes made it almost too much to bare.

Feeling two cold hands cradle her face, Maureen looked up, and straight into dark brown eyes.

"Oh," she choked, wrapping her arms around her lover's neck. She hadn't even heard Joanne hang up the phone, and now here she was, coming to her aid. She knew that Joanne would always come to her aid.

Feeling reassuring circles being rubbed on her back, Maureen tried to steady her breathing, burying her hand into Joanne's shoulder.

"I'm sorry…," she gasped, breathing deeply as she heard the other woman shush her gently.

"You need me, and I'm here. I'll always be here, Mo."

Maureen smiled weakly, and closed her eyes. In that moment she made a promise to herself to try really hard. She was going to be better for Joanne, she was going to show her that she could do it. She was going to be worthy of her love. She was going to be the person that Joanne could depend on. Someone that Joanne could need. She wasn't going to hurt her anymore.

She wasn't going to be her father anymore.

* * *

**Thanks so much for reading! Let me apologize, because dialogue is definitely not my strong suit! Please review, if you can, you don't even need a FFN account to do so!**


End file.
